Re-Dream? What’s that?

I’m sitting in my living room typing on my hubby’s computer, with my adorable chihuahua, Dude, laying next to me. We moved from Colorado to Mexico last June (2010) to live a simpler life filled with travel and adventure. I often think back to the choices that led me to this amazing new life and I’m so thankful that God gave me a second chance.

My life 10 years ago … I’m packing up my flat in southern California and I’m going to be married in less than a month. I have so many dreams – becoming a public school teacher and possibly teaching overseas someday, owning a home and having a family, backpacking through Europe, developing relationships with my wonderful in-laws and my new brothers & sisters (my fiancée has 10 siblings), and whatever else God brings my way!

My life two years ago … I’m sitting in my living room in Colorado, alone, one month after having gone through surgery for endometriosis and the removal of a fibroid, and one week after separating from my husband. I teach private piano and flute lessons (which I love) and have many wonderful friends, but there’s so much pain and heartbreak – broken dreams that seem irretrievable.

I did teach choir and math at a public school in Santa Ana, CA. Those were two of the hardest years of my life! I realized I didn’t want to have my life run by “the system”, so I quit and went back to teaching private piano and flute lessons – much better! I never did go overseas to teach or to see Europe. Travel was limited to visiting family, due to severe financial constraints. As for owning a home, I lived in an apartment next to the 5 freeway in Orange County for 5 years before finally convincing my husband to move to Colorado Springs. I did get to live in a rental house and had a great studio downstairs for my 40-50 students, but owning was never an option. And having a family, well, apparently that wasn’t God’s plan for my life. The relationships I developed with my in-laws were incredible – I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful family. However, those relationships will never be the same because after 8 years of marriage, despite my own ideas about divorce, I am now daring to imagine that my life can be different.

That was the start of my re-dreaming.

I wrote in my journal on April 18, 2009:

“Where do I begin? I’m releasing myself and {husband} from this relationship – no, God is releasing me. I feel at rest, finally, after struggling to make “us” work. I am on my own.

Healing – that is my business now. I want to experience fullness of life and the joy of relationships, discover new places and discover myself. I want to laugh and cry and feel safe and loved and valued. I want to reach out to others, for my own needs and to give. I want to be in community and in solitude.”

My life now I’m remarried and 5 months pregnant, living in San Carlos, Sonora, Mexico. We’ve had so many incredible adventures already, and we have dreams (and plans!) for so many more! I believe that God has redeemed the choices I made and has given me a new life – full of all my dreams, but so much greater than I ever imagined possible. His grace and mercy allows me to move forward …

… and to now re-dream.




Filed under Life Journal

3 responses to “Re-Dream? What’s that?

  1. Lesa Browning

    Congratulations on the new blog, it looks fantastic!

  2. Christie Forester

    Love your blog, Clara! Our church and community are enriched by your music ministry…for God’s glory.

  3. Namiko Matsumoto

    I’m really enyoing your blog, Clara!!! ,,,,keep running, keep writing,,keep smiling!!!!

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